What I learned from my pandemic podcast binge
With the gym closed and all social events canceled, I find myself outdoors walking and running my favorite routes day after day, as does the rest of the neighborhood. Social distancing is a challenge! With a new set of airpods and eager to be free from the screen, the hardest part of the activity is deciding on what to listen to.
The decision is normally based on the status of my soul. Some days it spirals down and plummets while other days it stays steady with momentary high points.
I consider my growing library of playlists and podcast episodes my self care, my self therapy.
Spotify is my choice for accessing music. My monthly subscription is more like a prescription. Favorite artists and their music feed, comfort and put words to my feelings. That’s a subject for another post. The habit of accessing all my podcasts from Apple began long ago. I assume those that I mention below are available in Spotify, too or anywhere you access podcasts. The links that I include below are from the podcasters’ websites.
Recently, my listening choices expanded to audio books with my subscription to Scribd. It’s an enormous online library and the $9.99 a month fee allows unlimited access to audio and digital books. FYI: don’t expect to find the most recent top sellers at Scribd. You’ll need Audible for that.
Linked below are specific podcasts and an audio book. I’ve jotted down just a few notes, quotes or highlights on each one. There’s too much to digest to give it all away here. Book mark this post, and listen to one or two every time you venture out on a walk, run or work in the garden. All of them delivered encouragement and offered challenges to me when I needed it as a teacher, business owner, musician, mother, wife and human being.
Podcast:
Brene´ Brown: Unlocking Us
Let’s start at the top. Ever since I watched Brene´ Brown’s TED talk —The Power of Vulnerability— and read her book The Gifts of Imperfection, I follow her every move. Her latest project is a podcast called Unlocking Us. I’m hooked.
Episode Comparative Suffering, The 50/50 Myth and Settling the Ball
This episode is packed full of nuggets for times like these. Here are some quotes and paraphrased statements that resonate with me about comparative suffering.
“Fear and scarcity are driving our thinking and feeling right now.”
“Scarcity is a first cousin of fear. Scarcity makes us think
I’m not enough.
We don’t have enough.
When is there going to be enough?
“Scarcity makes us wonder who we should be afraid of and who’s fault is it.”
“Fear and scarcity trigger comparison. We find ourselves asking who’s got it better?
“Because of this tendency to compare, even our pain and our hurt are not immune to be assessed or ranked.”
Comparative suffering is when we rank our own suffering or deny ourselves permission to feel because it appears that our pain isn’t as bad as someone else’s. I bring this particular part of the episode to your attention because Brene’s point about comparative suffering explains why I’ve felt so uncomfortable in certain conversations.
Understandably, people are sorry for our family’s new reality because of our son Carter’s accident and lengthy recovery. It’s a horrendous story to tell and yet it’s part of us and who we are.
As others absorb our tragedy, they often share their story of grief for which I’m grateful. Grief is a loyal companion to most people and it’s natural to share it with others. Some people preface their story with a statement like “my grief is nothing compared to yours.” I understand why this is said but, Brene´ says:
“Emotions do not go away just because they may not ‘score high enough’ on the suffering board.”
“Emotions that you feel when you deny them, double down and fester and metastasize. They invite shame over because you feel bad that you feel bad.”
“The entire myth of comparative suffering comes from the belief that empathy is finite. Some think empathy is like pizza so if you practice empathy with yourself and take a piece yourself, there’s less pizza or empathy to go around.”
“Empathy is not finite. When we practice empathy with ourselves and others we create more empathy.”
“Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world."
Episode: Longing, Belonging and Faith with Sue Monk Kidd and Jen Hatmaker
“Every person has their own particular genius. That is their largeness and uniqueness to them."-Sue Monk Kidd
“You are not required to justify your space nor hustle for approval.”-Jen Hatmaker
Episode: Grief and Finding Meaning with David Kessler
“Each person’s grief is a unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
I look forward to reading David Kessler’s Book: Finding Meaning the Sixth Stage for Grief mostly because I’m not satisfied with the five stages as defined by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Her fifth stage is “acceptance.” Our natural tendency as humans is to ask why. The word acceptance makes me feel like I’m submitting to “this is it, that’s all there is.” Kessler’s sixth stage—finding meaning—makes me feel like I can dig out the purpose of grief and somehow find the “why” in it.
When we look back at the devastating blow of Covid-19, George Floyd’s death and other world events, it’s not acceptance that will heal us. Healing comes—may come, will come—when we discover meaning from an attack by a micro germ and the relentless plague of racism.
Episode: Glennon Doyle on Untamed
After listening to this podcast, I purchased Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed. Here are just a few quotes that stand out to me from her insights gleaned from her rollercoaster life.
“When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.”
“My children do not need me to save them. My children need to watch me save myself.”
“Privilege is being born on third base. Ignorant privilege is thinking you’re there because you hit a triple. Malicious privilege is complaining that those starving outside the ballpark aren’t waiting patiently enough.”
“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.”
“Being human is not hard because you're doing it wrong, it's hard because you're doing it right. You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy.”
“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.”
Podcast:
Everything Happens with Kate Bowler
Glennon Doyle was also featured on Kate Bowler’s podcast, another favorite of mine.
Episode: Does by My Pain Count with Lori Gottlieb
I share this particular episode from Everything Happens because I read Lori Gottlieb’s New York Times best seller Maybe You Should Talk to Someone last summer. Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and writes The Atlantic's weekly Dear Therapist advice column and contributes to The New York Times. Her book shares her adventures as a therapist, her patients’ stories and her own therapy. It’s a gripping read —perhaps good enough that I don’t need therapy?
“I think there’s a difference between showing up and sharing a part of yourself and complaining. People are worried that they’re going to appear like they’re complaining about something that feels trivial to other people. But I think that behind every loss is something deeper.”
“During the Coronavirus…people are afraid to feel joy….They say I can’t enjoy the fact that I have some extra time to Facetime with my friend because everybody else is going through all of these horrible things or even if you are going through these horrible things, we can’t hold the both. I think that we need to get really good at holding the both.”
“Reality is not only the hardest parts of our days in the news and the devastation of the world, reality is also making dinner with someone or laughing at something dumb or wanting to reach out and hold someone’s hand because you ache to be touched. We are so many things all at once.”
Podcast:
On Being with Krista Tippet
Krista Tippet is a Peabody Award-winning broadcaster, a New York Times bestselling author, and a National Humanities Medalist. I adore listening to her gentle voice and her podcasts.
Episode: Gregory Orr: Shaping Grief with Language
The title of this episode caught my eye immediately.
“In our daily lives, we experience enormous amounts of disorder and confusion…What poetry [or writing] says to us is, turn your confusion, turn your world into words. Take it outside yourself into language.
“Poetry [writing, lyrics] says, I’m going to meet you halfway. You just bring me your chaos. I’ll bring you all sorts of ordering principles.”
“We need to be “active souls.” When you make a poem [create] you have become an active soul. When you’re a victim, you’re a passive experiencer of whatever it is that’s happened. But to turn your world into words [music?] and then shape that is to become an active soul.”
Episode: Devendra Banhart: When Things Fall Apart
Krista Tippet and her guest Devendra Barnhart read snippets of the book When Things Fall Apart in this episode. Again, the title caught my attention. I’ve listened to this episode twice.
“When Things Fall Apart, a small book of great beauty by the Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön speaks from the nooks and crannies and depths of a particular tradition, while conveying truths about humanity at large.”
This episode in conversation style speaks to what it means to be alive and looking for meaning right now.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
“Hope is a muscle; hope is a choice, and hope isn’t like optimism, which is wishful thinking.”
“Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there’s one, there’s always the other.”
“We have this ability, this softness, this ability to know, be present to be in kinship with the suffering of others.”
“Curiously enough, if we primarily try to shield ourselves from discomfort, we suffer.”
Podcast:
Tribe of Mentors by Tim Ferriss
The Tim Ferriss Show is hosted by—you guessed it—Tim Ferriss who is known as the “Oprah of audio.” It’s one of the top podcasts of all times. Tribe of Mentors is a short-form podcast series. It’s the “little brother of Tim’s other podcast and is a companion to the book of the same title. The show highlights distilled advice from “the best entrepreneurs in the world.” In each episode, guests are asked “to describe favorite books, morning routines, exercise habits, time-management tricks, etc.”
Two episodes that connected with me as a musician and business owner with the typical several streams of income:
Episode: Busy is a Decision with Debbie Millman
Are you too busy? It’s your decision.
Episode: How to Say No with Tim Ferriss
We can all use help with communicating with others when faced with a request. Remember, whenever you say yes to one thing, you’ve just said no to another. When asked about makeup lessons or late tuition payments, our response is often some form of NO. This episode gives you expertly crafted phrases that you can use to politely decline or say no.
Audio Book:
The Courage to Be Disliked
The book written by Ishiro Kishimi is a conversation between a youth and a philosopher. Their discussion is based on Alfred Adler’s school of psychology. Derek Sivers, a major influencer who I follow, stated that this is his favorite book.
“No experience in itself causes our success or failure. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self determining.
“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”
Both statements caught me by surprise. But as I kept listening to the book, I came to understand this premise. Adler’s psychology which differs from Freud, carries powerful revelations about the human psyche and like it did for me, it may give you insights into why you are the way you are.
As much as I’d like to dive into this book here, I’ll keep my reactions to a minimum. Chapters 16 and 17 deal with feelings of inferiority. I personally experience these feelings on a regular basis and based on conversations with fellow teachers and musicians, I know others do, too. So, the paragraphs below condense what the author explains about our feelings of inferiority.
“We are all in pursuit of superiority—hoping to improve, pursuing an ideal state. One holds up ideals and goals and heads towards them to bring them to the next level. If one is not able to reach those goals, one harbors a since of being lesser.
A feeling of inferiority is something everyone has. There’s nothing bad about feeling this way. It’s when one feels a lack in oneself in the present situation. It’s normal to find ways to compensate for the “part that is lacking.” The healthiest way to compensate is through striving and growth..engaging in constant training….being diligent in work.
All photos were taken by me on my walks while listening to these podcasts.
Feeling inferiority is a launch pad for one who wants to make progress. The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal striving and growth.
People who are not equipped with that courage to strive and grow end up stepping into an inferiority is complex. An inferior complex is an excuse. People who give up and say “I’m not good enough and even if I tried I don’t stand a chance” suffer from an inferiority complex.
A superiority complex is not unlike an inferiority complex. A superiority complex shows up when one suffers from strong feelings of inferiority and does not have the courage to compensate through healthy modes of striving and growth. One acts superior and indulges in a fabricated feeling of superiority.
To recap:
Feeling inferior: I’m not educated so I will strive to be educated.
Inferiority complex: a condition of using the feelings of inferiority as an excuse—I’m not well educated so I can’t succeed.
Superiority complex: a condition of generating a facade of superiority—I’m not educated so I’ll make a show of being on good terms with a powerful person. By doing that, I let it be known that I’m someone special.”
My body misses the gym, but my mind is grateful for the extreme workout it received over these long months of quarantine. The gym is reopening. I’ll miss my podcast bingeing.
Have a favorite podcast? Please share it in the comments.
Have a thought about any of the content above? Please share below.
Take courage,
Leila