Choosing genuine over perfect
November 28, 2021, marks two years since our family catapulted into a deep abyss. It’s the day we received a phone call, a parent’s worst nightmare phone call, that our son Carter’s life was brutally butchered--literally and figuratively.
Since then, we’ve been climbing our way up the steep slopes of grief. Occasionally we slip and fall back down into deep crevices. What keeps us holding on is Carter’s remarkable recovery from a lost right arm, a severely injured left hand, and two legs some considered irreparable.
“Remarkable recovery” was something that my husband and I never dared to hope for. In fact, our relationship with hope is still in critical condition. The trauma of grief seems to clamp down on hope so hard that it rarely peeks its head. Faith too has taken a heavy blow. That mustard seed shriveled and layers have peeled off leaving fragile, raw edges.
How does one come to terms with irreversible loss?
I’m not sure.
From my experience, when hope and faith vanish, a blanket of love and support from others like YOU fills in the gaps. Some have written about their own unexpected loss and through their writing have reassured me that faltering hope and faith is par for the course.
Credit for finding those who offer this affirmation goes to Kate Bowler and her podcast Everything Happens, her book of the same name, and her recently released book: No Cure for Being Human.
Kate’s site: https://katebowler.com/
Everything Happens podcast https://katebowler.com/podcasts/
Kate’s books: https://katebowler.com/books/
After her interview with Jerry Sittser on a recent podcast episode, I listened to his book Grace Disguised on Audible and am currently listening to him read “When God Doesn’t Answer Prayer” on my walks and runs.
Kate’s interview with Jerry https://katebowler.com/podcasts/jerry-sittser-life-after-loss/
Grace Disguised https://amzn.to/3lrtRlp
When God Doesn’t Answer Prayer here https://amzn.to/3rqTEOH
Other authors have provided first-hand insight into the dark night of the soul and the struggle to find a peace that passes understanding. Below are the titles of their books along with the links. (Some links are affiliated.)
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser https://amzn.to/3obgLuk
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk https://amzn.to/32UJU57
Although I’ve taken to heart many of their nuggets, one phrase stands out right now and seems to apply to all aspects of my life--spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and professionally.
I’m sharing the three-word phrase here so that you too, as music teachers, may find a glimmer of light in these pretty dark times.
“Genuine over perfect.”
-Jerry Sittser
Particularly as a musician, this simple statement offers comfort on many levels. My choir director frequently repeats this at rehearsals:
“We work in an art form that constantly demands perfection while simultaneously denying its existence.”
-Dr. Stuart Dameron, friend and outstanding choir director.
I recently encountered this steadfast loyalty to unattainable perfection after a student submitted a video for a local festival. The judge’s evaluation was honest and tough in all areas of the performance which I appreciated but she also included strong comments on the clothes my student was wearing. His appearance did not perfectly match her expectations. Granted, he didn’t don the unwritten yet seemingly official uniform for male pianists: black pants, shiny patent leather shoes, white shirt and black tie. Keep in mind, this is Colorado where many wouldn’t dream of owning that attire. And it could be that his young man’s family doesn’t have the means to “dress for success.”
I believe my student dressed his best for the occasion. And when he arrived to make the video, I wasn’t about to distract him from his performances for the unforgiving camera by questioning him about his appearance. It was his music-making that mattered. And making music is what he did. He genuinely--not perfectly--played with heart and artistry because of his dedicated preparation all within a pretty tight timeline. His performances were rock solid and his appearance didn’t detract from them.
This new mantra “genuine over perfect” offered much-needed perspective again when my Bluetooth pedal failed me during a recent prelude at church. I was playing a piece with big chords and large leaps and as I approached the final high peak of the piece, the pedal didn’t turn the page on my iPad. And so I tapped the pedal again and it still didn't turn the page and then I tapped on the screen and it took me back a page. Finally, I swiped forward until it landed on the correct page. I gathered my wits and jumped in where I left off.
To say there was a pregnant pause before I played the last page is an understatement. It took all of my focus to forget the past and head to the double bar line. I took every precaution to play with NO errors--as if that was going to make up for the obvious blunder.
I lost sleep over those few agonizing seconds that most people forgot about mere seconds after it happened. How did I let this happen? What did I do wrong? How embarrassing!! And then that muse piped in with these words:
Genuine over perfect.
It’s true that I arrived genuinely prepared and ready to play my best. Sometimes that best is not perfect and that best can be toppled by a technology glitch.
Within a week of these events, I received another phone call no human being ever wants to receive--almost two years to the date of the parent's worst nightmare phone call. It was the surgeon who performed my colonoscopy back in July. After revisiting the pathology report, it was determined that a mistake was made and that they did indeed find cancer. I’d have to go in for more tests.
After a week of phone tag and appointments, it was determined that the prognosis is “wait-and-see.” An option of surgery was offered for “peace of mind” but I turned that down. If there’s one hope I hold to right now it is that I hope I never have to endure that surgery.
This is all perhaps more than you wanted to know. At this point Covid has turned life upside down--there’s really nowhere to hide from uncertainty, grief, and fear as we’ve all experienced them to some degree and so I thought, why not be genuine and tell you the truth?
Even though the music world can swing towards the tyranny of perfection, and one phone call can rock your world, it’s not my intention to end on these low notes--pun intended.
In my PEDx talk recently featured on Tim Topham’s podcast episode 265, I underlined the potency of music to heal and restore. I substantiated what science says through my own life experience. Music has rescued me from countless slumps and creating music has provided a place for my emotions to land.
Find the podcast here: https://topmusic.co/tc265-how-music-can-change-a-grieving-heart-with-leila-viss/
No one in my circle better exemplifies the magnetic and restorative power of music more than Carter. His resilience to overcome the loss of an arm has to be--at least in part--due to his passion for making music at the keys.
Carter admits how important the piano is to him in a recent chapel speech he gave at his alma mater, Palm Beach Atlantic University. After he shares his story with all the harrowing details of the Thanksgiving Day accident and his connection with the driver of that boat that struck him, Carter performs Scriabin’s “Nocturne for Left Hand, Op 9.” I knew he was tackling the piece but had no idea that he had mastered and memorized it until I watched this video. When you get a chance, I encourage you to watch it, too. I can’t think of a more perfect way to show genuine music-making.
Click on the picture below or follow this link: https://vimeo.com/625725676
Around the 21 minute mark is when Carter begins playing the “Nocturne.”
Carter has also taken to drawing fish. His pencil color drawings have been crafted into stickers and note cards. You can find them at the store Floridafishboyz store. All proceeds are donated to ocean-related organizations.
From day one of our plummet two years ago, I’ve never whitewashed my despair or my meager attempts to find courage here at LeilaViss.com even though the blog is typically dedicated to piano teaching. And yet you--my friends, colleagues, and many readers I’ve never met--have been patient, held fast, extended your prayers, tears, faith, hope, and love through conversations, emails, and comments. Our exchanges knocked down walls and since then, you’ve shared your burdens with me, some that are too private to broadcast in public. And so, this post is dedicated to you in recognition that you do not and never will ache alone.
As you move through these endless days of uncertainty, I HOPE--yes, I said HOPE--that you too, can call off your heartbreaking relationship with “perfect.” It will always let you down. Instead, hang with “genuine.”
Aiming to choose genuine over perfect,
